Resource Guides for Survivors of Domestic Violence in Bergen County
Would you like to speak to someone?
You are not alone – help is available. ADV’s domestic violence counselors and advocates are available to speak to you confidentially 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, 365 days of the year by calling our hotline: 201-336-7575.
Not sure if we’re the right agency to help?
You can also speak to someone confidentially at either one of the following hotlines:
| LOCAL | STATE |
| Alternatives to Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 201-336-7575 | New Jersey Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-572-7233 |
| Center for Hope and Safety – Call 201-944-9600 | 2NDFLOOR Youth Helpline – Call or Text 888-222-2228 2NDLFOOR is a confidential and anonymous helpline for New Jersey’s youth and young adults between the ages of 10 and 24. They are here to help youth find solutions to problems that they face at home, at school, or at play. |
| YWCA Northern New Jersey healingSPACE Hotline – Call 201-487-2227 | Trans Lifeline Hotline – Call 877-565-8860 The Trans Lifeline Hotline is a 24/7 free, confidential peer support phone service run by trans people for trans and questioning peers. Community members may call if they need someone to talk to, even if they are not in a crisis or if they are not sure they are trans. |
| NATIONAL | |
| Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text START to 88788 | |
| OTHER HELPFUL HOTLINES & RESOURCES | |
| 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline – Call or Text 988 The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you and your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States. | |
| NJ Hopeline – Call 1-855-654-6735 The New Jersey Suicide Prevention Hopeline (NJ Hopeline) provides 24/7, free confidential support, assessment, and if needed, intervention in the most cooperative and least restrictive manner to New Jersey residents in emotional distress and suicidal crisis. | |
| Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 741741 Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 crisis intervention and mental health support via text message. |
Educational Toolkits & Safety Planning Aids
Do you need assistance with safety planning? Call our 24/7 Crisis Confidential Hotline at 201-336-7575
Unable to speak to someone right now?
You can create your own personal safety plan using thehotline.org’s interactive guide.
The interactive guide to safety planning requires you to enter information into an online form. At the end of the process, you will have a printable version of your personalized safety plan that you can reference whenever you need it. You can read it online, print it immediately, or have a link sent to your email. The link will be active for 24 hours; after that, your information will be deleted from the website. Before you begin, be sure that the computer you are using is in a safe location and is not being monitored by your partner. For more tips on how to stay safe while using the internet and technology, go to our Digital Safety page.
Once you complete your safety plan, be sure to keep it in an accessible but secure location. Click here to leave ADV’s website and go to thehotline.org’s interactive safety plan page.
Want to learn more about domestic violence?
Domesticshelters.org is a great resource to victims and survivors of domestic violence looking for safehouse, shelter, and other supportive programs based on location, services, and language. It also provides community members and domestic violence professionals with education and training on the latest statistics, articles, literature, and resources about domestic violence and dating abuse. ADV is excited to share some of their resources below.
Before you begin exploring, be sure that the computer you are using is in a safe location and is not being monitored by your partner.
Frequently Asked Questions
Detecting and Responding to Domestic Violence & Dating Abuse
Stalking doesn’t always occur by someone you’ve dated and it doesn’t make it less serious. Sometimes possessive and obsessive behaviors are directed towards persons that have never returned these feelings and it can feel very disturbing and disruptive for victims to experience this type of stalking. Stalking can involve any behavior (for example, contacting us, following us, monitoring our activities, interacting with our social media, giving us gifts, or fishing for information about you from third parties, etc.) that we find insistent and persistent despite our efforts to get them to stop. You can be very firm and clear about you wanting them to stop-this can be done in person or online. If the behaviors continue, get in touch with us at ADV (201-336-7575) as we can help you go over next safety planning steps, which can include safeguarding your information and getting others involved in interrupting the stalker’s behaviors. We can also recommend this amazing resource from www.StalkingAwareness.org that has specific examples of how to respond to stalking behavior, how to collect evidence, and how to stay safe at school or at home.
Verbal abuse includes any words or phrases that are offensive, degrading, intimidating, or ridiculing to someone else. This also applies to the way that the words or phrases are said—if someone is saying something in a forceful tone, getting in your face or personal space, or making scary gestures, this is also a part of verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse is negative behavior and someone’s choice. Being sensitive is a positive character trait and often tells us when someone or something is crossing our emotional boundaries. Everyone gets to set their own personal boundaries—you decide what those are, not the other person. If you feel that certain words, phrases, or communication styles are off limits because they make you feel bad or upset, you get to ask for that. It’s on the other person to choose to respect it or not. If they choose not to and insist on continuing the relationship, we at ADV would 100% support you in calling it a dealbreaker or coming up with a plan on how to take safe steps forward in the relationship.
Threatening the use of a weapon is extremely problematic and illegal. Additionally, we’d like you to know that threatening use of a weapon, even if someone never uses it or plans to use it, is a violent act by itself. To the victim, it’s all they need to hear or see to then feel afraid or to believe that the abuser is capable of using violence against the victim. Once someone believes that, the entire relationship is compromised and everything after that is coercive. You are being coerced when someone makes you do what they want because you are afraid of them. After threatening behaviors happen, there is no expiration date for fear. It also doesn’t matter what the abusive person says or does from that point onward— all interactions are coercive now. For example, if an abuser threatens a victim with a weapon one day and five days later asks the victim to come home while they’re hanging out with friends— that request is coercive no matter how they say it because the victim will respond with fear. Coercion is indicative of abuse and we recommend victims of threats (especially those of weapons) speak to a counselor regarding safety planning.
You wouldn’t be alone in saying loving feelings are keeping you invested in this person and the relationship. Even in abusive situations that are very hurtful, many persons would say that they fell in love with the person that made them feel safe, appreciated, wanted, or happy at certain points in the relationship. Love and attachment to someone doesn’t just go away when someone disappoints us or even hurts us. Your feeling love towards this person isn’t wrong—the problem is that the other person isn’t reciprocating your loving feelings or honoring the relationship if they are being abusive.
Like anything else that we love and fear losing, we slowly make our way through a mourning process to let a relationship go. This can involve talking to someone we trust about the things we don’t like about the situation now and the things we honestly enjoyed and believe we will miss about the relationship. It’s scary to think we’d be losing our “safe place” in that person because we focus on the times when they weren’t hurting us. Remember that there are many people out there who can support you in exploring what this can look like on your terms without asking you to do anything (like asking you to leave!) before you feel ready. Get in touch with us to learn more!
It sounds like you are not okay with your girlfriend hitting you and that is an important personal boundary that she’s crossing each time. That wouldn’t be okay for your girlfriend to do whether she is drunk or sober. Sometimes people use alcohol or being under the influence as means to excuse or dismiss negative behaviors but that still doesn’t make it okay. There’s a lot of things people DON’T do when they’ve been drinking because people will remain aware of where they are and who they’re with and choose not to do things they’d regret later.
In a healthy relationship, there may be opportunity to tell your girlfriend that you are not okay with it and ask that she stop because of how it impacts you—a lot of people would agree with you that it’s not okay and worth standing your ground! If that’s something that you feel you can’t ask for because you haven’t gotten an understanding response from her in the past, then this sounds like something you could use support with! Talking to supportive persons can help you plan through how you could respond to a negative or dismissive response while staying true to your personal boundaries.
And if you are worried about her potential response, consider if this is part of a bigger pattern here. For example, are there other times where you feel you can’t speak up for your boundaries around her? That is a strong sign that the relationship is in unhealthy territory and it’s worthwhile connecting with supportive persons!
It’s common for us to hear that in the early parts of a new relationship, teens may feel very excited with the intense highs of a new connection. They may want to spend all their time with a new partner in person or on FaceTime, snapchat, Instagram, etc. and may even ignore their friends, school requirements, and family. It’s not out of the ordinary to see a new couple overlook, ignore, or even get angry at the feedback from friends and family and we encourage teens to look to this as a learning experience on how to balance new relationships with old ones. However, when one person actively dominates all the other person’s time and fights against their efforts to rebalance time spent amongst different relationships, it is a red flag and may be a sign of more unhealthy control to come.
There are many reasons why victims decide to stay or return to their abusers. We observe that it takes someone on average 7 times to leave their abuser because of how complex and difficult the circumstances often are. One of the top reasons is that abusers effectively instill fear in their victims and use threats to keep them from leaving. The abuser may threaten the victim’s life if they try to leave, or threaten other forms of mistreatment or punishment.
Secondly, isolation is a tactic abusers use to distance victims from their loved ones in order to gain total power and control over them. The abuser may coerce their victim into not being friends with certain people if the abuser feels those friends may be a threat to their relationship. Afterwards, if that victim considers ending the relationship but feels they will not have any friends or supports to turn to, it can be really difficult to make that decision for fear of loneliness. Additionally, many victims report a fear of not being believed or understood by others. We’ve observed many cases where victims want to end the relationship but feel they are unable to because they have no support system/no one to turn to for help. There are many barriers that keep victims feeling trapped, such as having few emotional, financial, or social resources. Finally, regardless of the abuse, the victim may still experience attachment to their abuser. They may feel a sense of responsibility or loyalty to the relationship that the abuser often takes advantage of.
Sadly, we hear about these situations too often. Suicide threats are serious and scary for all persons involved. We ask that people respond to them by calling 911 immediately. If someone hasn’t made an overt threat but you have an underlying suspicion about their safety, call your local police department and request a welfare check.
It is not fair or appropriate to expect loved ones to gauge whether a threat is serious or not. When this happens often in a relationship, we ask people to consider whether the threats are a form of power and control rather than cries for help. Sometimes individuals will use threats of suicide or self-harm as a way of terrorizing their victim, forcing them to maintain unwanted contact, or pressuring them into excusing past abusive behaviors. This is NOT okay and is taking advantage of the victim’s empathy and compassion. Addressing suicidal threats is not the responsibility of someone’s partner— this means they need a higher level of care than a loved one can provide— and you can ALWAYS ask for help in figuring out what to do.
It should never fall on the victim to educate the abuser. However, it is entirely up to the victim if they choose to communicate to their partner how their abuse is making them feel and provide education. If one chooses to address the abuse with their partner they may want to take safety measures: informing a friend when they plan to have the conversation with the abuser, sharing their location with a trusted peer/adult, knowing their safe exits, and/or choosing to have the dialogue in a public space. It is important to remember that many abusers deny, minimize, and gaslight victims when they are confronted about their abuse as abusers often feel like their actions are extremely justified. Consequently, many victims can feel confused, scared, and/or guilty after they share how the abuser’s actions are making them feel or attempt to provide education. However, what victims are feeling and experiencing is completely real and valid despite the abuser’s response. If an abuser seems apologetic and validates the victim’s feelings and experiences, victims can ask themselves:
Do I notice a change in this person’s behavior after discussing their abuse with them?
Did they show a change in the specified behavior, but are now being abusive and violating my boundaries in other ways?
Do I feel safe to express my emotions and address their abusive behavior with them again?
Since victims should not be held responsible to educate abusers, it is imperative that our friend groups, communities, and systems, such as the legal and education systems, hold abusers accountable. The larger community plays a crucial role in individuals’ understanding the consequences of their abusive behavior. It is imperative for all of us to set a cultural norm within our community spaces that conveys the message that abuse will not be tolerated, rewarded, or minimized. Examples of setting norms within our spaces include calling out our friends or peers for their abusive behaviors, validating and believing victims when they come to us wanting to share their experiences, and educating ourselves on what abuse is and the effects that it can have on not only the victims and abusers, but our larger communities.
Many people will share that they gave abusive persons second chances— sometimes because they wanted to and other times because they felt they had to. Many survivors tell us that it comes from a desire to see the best in the other person (which says something good about YOU) and from a place of hope. Other times, people tell us that the “second chance” was given because it was a part of their plan to stay emotionally or physically safe, like when the abuser threatens violence if the victim doesn’t “forgive” them. These are two very legitimate reasons, and we know that there are many more! Like any tough decision, it is natural to feel regret when things don’t turn out the way we hoped but our message is to not let that regret turn into shame for making the best choices you could at the time. If you’re facing this type of decision, take the time and space you need to gather helpful information and support to work through any concerns you might have. Many survivors find it helpful to connect with other survivors like them who’ve gone through this—Connect to our teen group sessions if you think this might be helpful for you! And remember, someone who truly loves and cares about you will agree to giving you the time and space to work through a tough decision and accept your choice no matter what it is.
Healing from abuse is a complex process. Survivors heal one day at a time and there may be days when it feels like someone has taken steps “backward,” but it is important to know that as a survivor you are always moving forward. There is no timetable or expiration date for the different types of wounds that need healing and it is not fair to expect anyone to “get over it” if we don’t have what we need to heal. For example, healing requires us to feel physically and emotionally safe again and it is unreasonable to expect someone to heal if abuse is still happening to them.
Other important ingredients include having safe spaces to talk about and process what happened to us, as many times and for as long as we need to. It also means forming strong or new healthy connections to people and activities that make us feel good about ourselves and other people. To learn more about the supports that can help someone heal after abuse, contact ADV and our counselors.
When survivors talk to us about their feelings of resentment, those feelings often mean that they’re holding onto anger and frustration about unfair or hurtful things that have happened to them. It’s also a sign that they still feel unheard by the person at fault and the people around them. It is not wrong to have these feelings. In fact, resentful feelings are protective to a survivor who is still dealing with an abuser who has not taken full accountability.
Survivors have said that they are able to let go of resentment after many opportunities to give back to themselves and to voice these feelings of anger and frustration with trusted persons. The person at fault can help survivors let go of resentment by taking full accountability for what they did but a survivor’s healing is not dependent on it. Remember, survivors have space to forgive when the person at fault takes the steps to own their behavior and engage in reparations, but this is not required for someone to take the space they need to feel okay again.
The research tells us that the higher rates of abuse do not have anything to do with LGBTQIA+ folks being “more abusive” to each other—it has everything to do with the increased vulnerability LGBTQIA+ folks experience when loved ones and communities do not support them. Remember, abuse thrives in situations where a victim is isolated, is afraid to speak up, or does not receive help from those around them. This is especially true for LGBTQIA+ youth who feel like their circle of support is small or do not feel protected by the adults around them. Navigating abuse is particularly difficult when an individual is not “out” to those around them or when people in the community do not recognize behaviors as abusive because of someone’s gender identity, sexual identity, or gender expression. We also know that there are times when LGBTQIA+ teens may reach out for help and the response they get from loved ones or community supports may be insensitive, dismissive, or unhelpful because of the responder’s homophobic, biphobic, or transphobic belief systems. At ADV, we consider the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights and equality to be intertwined with our fight for all relationships to be free from violence. Consider reaching out to us to learn more how our LGBTQIA+ community members can stay safe in their relationships and how to be an ally to them when they encounter barriers to safety.
If you’re asking yourself this question, it’s a sign that you have self-awareness and you are likely open to feedback from the people around you. That is a strength. To answer you, we would have to know more about your relationships and their context. To be most helpful, let’s define abusive behavior in the context of teen dating violence.
When we refer to teen dating violence (TDV), domestic violence (DV), battering or Coercive Control, we are referring to the same thing. We‘re talking about a relationship strategy of a pattern of oppressive conduct, such as threats, intimidation, humiliation, isolation, aggression, and sexual coercion, designed to gain and maintain dominance, power, and control over another person.
There are a lot of harmful myths out there about abusive behavior. Some will say that is a mental health issue, an anger issue, or related to substance use, but the reality is that abusive behavior is a choice. It is selective, intentional, and purposeful. This means that an abuser (of the type we’re referring to) selects their target thoughtfully (they are not abusive to everyone in their life!) and intentionally uses abusive tactics to get what they want, even if it’s something they know the other person doesn’t want or if it includes punishing the other person if they don’t comply. Even if the person isn’t saying it out loud, the behaviors are communicating things like, “I’m the boss in this relationship, do it MY way or ELSE.”
To sum up… If your behavior is designed to control the other person then your behavior is likely abusive. The other extremely important point to note is that abusers feel profoundly justified in their belief that they have a right to use force or coercion over someone else. Does any one person have a right to restrict the rights of another?
If you don’t identify with this description, we can also share that victims of abuse often report having feelings of guilt or shame for the things that happened during the relationship. We want everyone to know that survivors come up with different ways to resist abuse when all other strategies, such as asking, pleading, or seeking compromise, have been exhausted with no progress. Sometimes this means that victims engage in negative behaviors, like yelling, hitting, stealing, or engaging in sex as a way to keep themselves safe. The key difference here is that the intent behind these behaviors is to RESIST abuse and is not the same as someone who is abusing power and control. Individuals who practice coercive control RARELY admit to it or embrace change on their own.
Family Concerns
A relationship is allowed to go through changes where sometimes it feels good and other times it feels harder. A healthy relationship can make us feel highs, lows, and uncomfortable at times because we are being challenged to trust someone else, share control with them, and practice being vulnerable with them. However, it shouldn’t make us feel sad, anxious, or overwhelmed most of the time. We shouldn’t feel like we can’t be ourselves or like we have to constantly change how we act to make the other person happy or stop them from being mad at us. Those are signs that the “line has been crossed” and yet everyone’s exact “line” can look different— what matters is how YOU feel and whether this relationship is bringing out the best in you or if it’s making you lose touch with things that make you feel good about yourself. For more tips and information on how to tell if a relationship has become unhealthy, check out our Healthy Relationship Check toolkit where you can also take our Relationship Health Check Quiz.
It can be so difficult to navigate relationships that are unsupportive and unsafe. Finding people who you can trust and who can understand you is key in figuring out how to resist abuse of all types. We encourage you to reach out to community supports that will hold you up and care for you well, whether you connect with organizations in your school for the LGBTQ+ community or supports in Bergen County.
We know it may be tricky to link up to certain counseling supports, legal protections, medical care, or financial resources when family members are not supportive. In these cases, we encourage all survivors of abuse to look for supportive persons who are both affirming and informed on available free services and safe spaces. For example, the Bergen County LGBTQ+ Alliance may be a resource to consider, especially for LGBTQ+ teens: https://www.bergencountylgbtq.org/. Many of the services and supports on their website are free and accessible from a cellphone or computer with WIFI.
At ADV, our staff are members and allies of the LGBTQ+ community and we invite you to connect with us for counseling and other resources for relationship issues, whether it relates to partners or family members. All of our services are free, confidential, and accessible by someone with working WIFI.
One feature of unhealthy dynamics in both platonic and romantic relationships is a tendency to manage problems and issues in isolation from others. Sometimes family members lean on each other as a way of relieving the immense weight they feel on their shoulders. However, we believe that this strength crosses into unhealthy territory when family members place too much emotional or physical responsibility on each other, especially teens, instead of reaching out to the community for help. We believe you deserve space and time for your own wellness, and we would support you in setting boundaries with family and/or seeking your own safe spaces. If family isn’t open to you telling them how this responsibility feels like for you or impacts you, consider reaching out to ADV as we support youth with all types of relationship issues, whether it relates to partners or family members.
Many teens tell us that it is conflicting, scary, and difficult to witness a parent abuse their power over others, especially against other loved ones. This is part of the harm of abuse—it hurts the victim and it hurts everyone who put their trust and faith in the abusive person to do the right thing. When someone is misusing power in this way, it is OKAY for you and other victims to put YOUR safety first and to work together to come up with a plan to stay safe in the home. If the other family member doesn’t have the power to speak up, we encourage you to reach out to us to help you get it off your chest, to review your options, or to help get support to you and your family. Sometimes teens are put in the position of being the ones to ask for help—this isn’t fair to you but we are here for you and your loved ones if you want to start talking about it in a confidential setting.
Context and details are very important in determining whether a situation is abusive, please consider reaching out to a confidential counselor at ADV (call 201-336-7575) who can help you differentiate the two and assist you in finding help, especially if you have concerns that someone at home will react negatively to you asking for help.
First, let’s assume that you are asking about discipline in a parent-child relationship. Discipline is only one piece of an effective parenting approach that may be used by parents to teach and instruct their children, not to promote fear. While setting clear expectations (that are age-appropriate!) and applying effective consequences are both key parts of effective parenting—our stance is that parenting should not solely revolve around discipline, and it should NOT result in emotional or physical harm to anyone. For example, while a parent can express their disappointment, raise their voice, or ask their child to follow rules, discipline should not be handled in a way that is humiliating, degrading, or forces children to do things or be exposed to treatment that is dehumanizing.
Please go to https://www.nj.gov/dcf/ to learn more about what constitutes child abuse and what are not acceptable forms of discipline. Anyone with suspicions of child abuse or who wishes clarification on New Jersey law can call the Child Abuse Hotline at 1-877-652-2873 to report their concerns.
It is our experience that sometimes parents are open to receiving feedback if they learn that their parenting is making their children afraid or distrust them. When parents aren’t ready to receive feedback, we want to make sure you have trusted adults around you that can support you in taking the next steps.
If you were referring to a non-parent/child relationship, the answer is even clearer. It is not appropriate for two persons in equal dating relationships to invoke discipline. We can set personal boundaries and communicate expectations for the relationship but we cannot tell another person what to do, “instruct” them on how to behave, or punish them if they use their free will.
Positive Bystander Behaviors- Helping Someone in Need
Affection refers to any behavior or action that shows our care for someone else. Typically, healthy love builds over time and affection naturally rises from feeling care and respect for someone else. Genuine affection is given without ulterior motives and it is common to see it ebb and flow throughout the course of a relationship.
Love-bombing is characterized by excessive displays of complements, admiration, praise, or gifts that quickly raise the intensity of a new relationship. Individuals who love-bomb repeatedly press the fast-forward button and disregard the recipient’s boundaries. Love-bombing can feel like a whirlwind when you suddenly become the center of attention and it’s important for friends or family to speak up or check in with the recipient on what they’re seeing. Individuals who love-bomb can’t sustain their excessive displays of “affection” for long and it’s often done with a purpose in mind. Once they get what they want or realize their tactics aren’t working, love-bombing stops until it’s needed again as it is not sustained by genuine care and respect for the other person.
Part of safeguarding trust with anyone, young or old, is letting them know what our obligations are to protect them and others before they share sensitive information with us. Remember, in New Jersey all residents are mandated reporters, meaning that any person who has a reasonable cause to believe that a child has been subjected to acts of abuse or neglect should immediately report this information to the proper authorities. We strongly recommend explaining this law and any other ethical or professional obligations you must keep to your teens ideally before starting conversations because confidentiality isn’t always a promise we can keep if someone’s life is in danger. If there isn’t a risk of imminent threat to teens or others, do your best to empower your teens to make informed choices and to broaden their circle of supports. Connect them to reliable sources of information and let them know that resisting abusive situations is hard and usually requires us to try many different strategies. Lastly, normalize that it’s common for teens to either want to or feel pressure to fix problems on their own but that issues of dating abuse and family violence are bigger than any one person to fix by themselves.
We often hear from survivors that the most helpful support a friend can offer is listening without judgment, validating the survivor’s feelings, and sticking it out with them no matter what. This type of support requires plenty of patience and compassion towards the other person. If the other person isn’t open to your feedback, do your best to try to understand their decisions while setting the boundaries you need to be ok in the friendship.
Unhelpful responses that can make someone feel unsupported include blaming the survivor or minimizing the experiences of the survivor, not believing them, and/or giving advice without understanding the challenges that the survivor is experiencing. Instead of telling them what to do, give them reliable information or point them in the direction of individuals or groups, like ADV, who can help them stay safe or access more support on their terms.
It may also be stressful for you as a friend to hear about what may be going on with a loved one. Our services at ADV are also available to persons who are secondary victims, or persons who have been exposed to the harm of domestic or dating violence through their close relationship to the direct victims.
If you see a friend being abused, you can (in a private and safe space) gently point out the abusive actions you are noticing. Sometimes, a friend may not be ready to identify certain behaviors or situations as abuse to someone else yet. If that is the case, it is important that your friend is reminded that you care and are there for them if they ever are looking for support. Be careful to not use any language that blames them or shames them for what is happening to them. If your friend is open to speaking with an advocate or counselor, feel free to offer the phone number for a local domestic violence organization. The Bergen County Alternatives to Domestic Violence 24/7 hotline number is 201-336-7575. Afterwards, even if the friend is still not open to talking about it, keep checking in with them to show them that you care and that you are still invested in your relationship with them.
If you’re looking to get others to rethink abusive behaviors, the good news is that abusive behavior is learned behavior. That means there is potential for those who abuse others to shape or change their behaviors by challenging the key beliefs that fuel them. For example, persons who abuse others usually have underlying belief systems that it’s acceptable for them to dominate others, tell them what to do, or use force in relationships. People learn these beliefs from the individuals and groups around them in their environments, whether it’s family members, peers, or other role models, and this over time informs how they see themselves and others. Abusive behavior is further learned and reinforced when individuals experiment with negative behavior, see that it gets them what they want, and discover that they can get away with it.
The bad news is that in our experience, people do not willingly rethink these beliefs and behaviors until the consequences outweigh the benefits. People choose to be abusive because they think it works for them and many get more skilled at using abusive behaviors over time. That means it’s not enough for one person to challenge another person’s beliefs in one setting or even in a series of conversations. There has to be a united response from family members, peers, and other entities that are willing to confront abusive behavior, model what nonviolence looks like in healthy relationships, and follow through with real consequences. Here are some ideas to try out:
- Confront the behavior by asking questions about or saying things like, “that’s not cool.”
- Don’t laugh at behaviors or jokes the promote abuse in relationships.
- Be respectful and empathetic in your own relationships with others.
- Talk to others about the times you’ve made mistakes and owned up to it without blaming others.
Show people that there are consequences for abusive behavior. For example, if someone you know is being abusive, exclude them from social events and tell them why. You might think this is harsh but understanding what we know about safety and abuse, if you don’t exclude the abuser, you end up excluding the victim.
Domestic Violence, Dating Abuse, and the Law, Restraining Orders, Criminal Charges, etc.
Though the following questions address domestic violence law in New Jersey, please be advised that the answers to the following question do not constitute legal advice. Anyone interested in receiving advice or guidance on their specific case is encouraged to speak to an attorney experienced in domestic violence law.
Anyone looking to learn more about domestic violence law or receive education about restraining orders, can go to www.WomensLaw.org, where many domestic violence laws have been compiled and organized for easy reading. People looking for education can also contact ADV’s main line to set up an appointment to speak with our legal advocates.
When final restraining order is granted, the court orders the defendant to immediately stop all acts of abuse against the victim and prohibits them from contacting the victim (or plaintiff). They are also barred from using third parties, such as family members or friends, to send messages to the plaintiff. They are not allowed to go to places the victim frequents, such as their home, work, or school, that are named in the restraining order. They are ordered to turn over any firearm or weapon in their possession and are prohibited from purchasing, owning, or possessing a weapon. In some cases, the judge may also ask that they pay reasonable losses resulting from the abuse (such as medical bills, moving, or travel expenses), undergo psychiatric evaluation, or enroll in a Batterer’s Intervention Program.
The plaintiff is encouraged to give copies of the restraining order to people in their support circle, such as family members, employers, school staff, landlords, or local police departments. While people may be initially surprised or confused to see it, the restraining order is very clear that it is for the purpose of the plaintiff’s protection and it is not the plaintiff’s fault. The plaintiff is not required give sensitive details about the case but we encourage them to share what is necessary to ensure that people in their support circle know what to do in case they detect signs that the defendant is violating the restraining order. If the defendant violates ANY part of the order, the plaintiff can call 911 or contact police to report the violation, leading to the defendant’s arrest.
Whenever an individual requests a temporary civil restraining order, they are asked to provide information about the most recent incident of abuse and the history of the relationship. However, before a final restraining order can be granted, a judge must make a decision based on the whole evidence both parties have presented during the case. Judges rely on individuals to provide context for their claims and to present evidence that corroborates their version of events. Evidence may include testimony from the individuals or their witnesses, experts, physical evidence, or documents. Both parties are allowed to ask questions and cross-examine any witnesses. The judge may also ask questions to determine who is telling the truth. For this reason, we encourage victims of abuse to speak with an attorney or one of our legal advocates to anticipate any challenges and prepare evidence for court. At ADV, you can speak to our legal advocates for free and we can also determine if you are eligible for free legal representation for restraining order hearings.
You can get a restraining order in response to verbal or written threats and/or threatening behaviors that convey the abuser’s potential for future violence. These behaviors can include verbal threats, harassment, assault, terroristic threats, trespassing, stalking or cyber stalking. Even if the individual does not speak or write the words, “I’m going to kill you,” if you believe that an individual has done things to make you feel afraid for your life and to make you believe that they are capable of carrying it out, we support you in considering the benefits of a restraining order.
No, there is no statute of limitations. However, our clients have shared with us that it has been important for them to be able to present examples of recent incidents in order to be granted a restraining order in civil court. To learn more about this, we highly recommend speaking to an attorney with experience representing victims of domestic violence in restraining order cases or one of our legal advocates here at ADV. You can speak to them free of charge by calling our main line: 201-336-7575.
The common number is 100 yards away but this can vary and is up to the judge to determine. The restriction applies not only to the victim’s person, but as well as their home, work, or school. The exact restrictions are always cited by the judge when they grant the restraining order and it is listed on the paper copy of the restraining order itself, which is always provided to the victim and offender.
Kissing or touching someone without consent is considered a form of sexual violence. According to New Jersey law, sexual assault requires an act of penetration while touching someone’s breasts without consent is considered “criminal sexual contact”.
Specifically, “sexual contact” is described as an “intentional touching by the victim or actor, either directly or through clothing, of the victim’s or actor’s intimate parts for the purpose of degrading or humiliating the victim or sexually arousing or sexually gratifying the actor. Sexual contact of the actor with himself must be in view of the victim whom the actor knows to be present;”
and “intimate parts” refers to the ”following body parts: sexual organs, genital area, anal area, inner thigh, groin, buttock or breast of a person;” See NJ Rev Stat § 2C:14-3 (2021)
If you would like to learn more about what sexual violence is and to process your experience, we encourage you to reach out to HealingSpace in Bergen County by calling their 24/7 confidential
hotline: 201-487-2227. There are some types of sexual violence that are not necessarily captured in the law that are traumatic, and we may benefit from working through those experiences with a counselor.